And Still… November 8, 2010

And still
The world stood still
I couldn’t move
And all I could feel
Was this aching in my heart
Saying I loved him… still…

-Reba McEntire

 

This weekend, for the first time in almost two years, I made a trip to my hometown. A good friend picked me up from the ferry, and since we had a few hours to kill, we went for coffee at the cozy little coffehouse we had spent hours at over the years. Another friend works there, so the three of us were having a great time catching up on each others’ lives… and then the conversation stopped. One friend gestured behind me. I whirled around to see him standing there in all his tattooed, heart-melting brown-eyed, tenderhearted, poetic glory.

He was the boy I loved for far too long without ever admitting it. The boy who, one magical summer, went from my best friend to my boyfriend. The boy who brought me teddy bears at work, wrote me poetry, and held me when I cried. The boy who made me feel less broken. The boy who would talk to me for hours on the phone, and never got mad if I suddenly hung up when it was 6am and my mom’s alarm clock started going off. The boy I thought I’d lose my virginity to. The boy whose friends told him I was bad news. The boy whose heart I broke without even realising it.

In that split second where our eyes met, I felt seventeen again. My mind started to race and I couldn’t breathe. Time stood still. Then, almost on cue, we both hastily looked away and returned our attention to our respective friends.

The encounter left me shaken for hours afterward, and even today, I’m a bit put off by the whole thing.

I don’t still love him. I don’t miss him, per sey. But seeing him there created a sort of wistful nostalgia that’s hard to shake.

I wish I could have said “Hello,” or “I’m sorry,” or “I didn’t mean to hurt you.”  He deserves that much. Sadly, I know that the next time I walk through those café doors I’ll see him sitting in his favourite spot, passionately discussing politics or literature or the random party he went to last night. And when I walk in, he’ll look up, our eyes will meet, and then we’ll carry on like we’ve never met before.

Sometimes it really is too late to say sorry, and no amount of wishing, hoping, or praying for another chance can ever make it all right.

So, from the bottom of my heart, beautiful boy, I’m sorry. I will always think of you with fondness, and forever cherish our memories. Thank you for helping to awaken my soul and inspire me to become who I am today. I never meant to break your heart, and although I believe everything happens for a reason, hurting you is my one true regret. I’m sorry.

dear asshole July 3, 2010

dear asshole,

nice to find out that you’re in town again, well, at least until tomorrow. it’s so wonderfully typical that you couldn’t be bothered to tell me this information, seeing as i have very important paperwork for you to sign, which you are well aware of. thanks for taking time out of your busy schedule of drinking and snorting coke to keep your word.

then again, how stupid of me was it to actually believe you this time? to actually believe that you were ready to man up and do what you should have done three years ago. once again, i’ve been burned. i haven’t trusted a damn word you’ve said in over four years, yet i somehow believed that you had grown up enough to do the right thing.

i’m done.

i will not answer your phone calls, i will not respond to any message you send through friends or family members, i will hang up if you call me at work. i’m washing my hands of you once and for all. i WILL get what i want, and you had best not doubt it. i will do what i have to and let the chips fall as they may, but i WILL walk away victorious.

you had your chance to be a man and to do the right thing for the very first time in your life. why am i surprised that you failed once again? why am i completely shocked at the fact that you really couldn’t care less about the most amazing thing that has ever happened to either one of us?

i don’t even have words for what a pathetic waste of humanity you are. go snort some more nose candy – it’s obviously the only thing that’s ever mattered.

- me

forgiveness. July 3, 2010

i think we can all agree that forgiveness is divine, right? nothing gives me a case of the warm fuzzies quite like forgiving someone who has hurt or wronged me in the past.

BUT

how many times is too many? how many times can you forgive the same person for the same, repeated infraction? how many times is it okay to hurt someone before they write you off?

i’m struggling with this conundrum right now.

there’s this girl, and she used to be one of my best friends. we did everything together. we had lots of great times. then she hurt me really badly. we didn’t speak for awhile. we reconciled. she did it again. we didn’t speak AGAIN for a few months. we reconciled again.

then i found out she was stealing from me.

i cut her out of my life at that point. it’s been almost 8 months. she wants to reconcile, and i just don’t know if i have it in me to forgive her again. i forgave her for talking shit behind my back. i forgave her for trying to cause problems with my boyfriend and i. but stealing? i just don’t know that i can forgive that.

how many times is too many? are some things such that they shouldn’t ever be forgiven?

24 things i’ve learned about life April 14, 2010

(stolen from the lovely vicki)

I’ve had several friends write a note titled “[#of years in age] things I’ve learned about life.” I’ve read some pretty compelling (and some hilarious) things so far. Here’s mine.

24 things I’ve learned (and am still learning) about life:

1. every day has the potential to be the best day of your life or the worst day of your life. it’s up to you to decide.
2. if a mother’s life isn’t changed by the birth of her child, she isn’t much of a mother.
3. you’re responsible for your own reputation. if you present yourself poorly, don’t be shocked if your reputation represents that.
4. when you quit partying, you find out who your real friends are. they’re the ones who still want to hang out, even when there’s no beer in your fridge.
5. your boyfriend will always think you’re more beautiful than you do.
6. likewise, your kid will always think you’re smarter than you do.
7. stupid people seem to breed at twice the rate of smart people.
8. no matter how much of a pain in the ass they are as a child, little brothers become pretty good friends when you’re all grown up.
10. you can never read too much.
11. most boys don’t like smart girls… but most boys aren’t worth your time.
12. standing up for what’s right is hard, and may make you lose friends, but knowing you took a stand is empowering.
13. you are able to do so many things you doubt you can… you just need the right motivation.
14. true love means smiling, cuddling, laughing, crying and, yes, even arguing. true love means sharing it all.
15. forgive, but never forget.
16. actions speak louder than words.
17. if the truth hurts, it’s probably something you need to hear and recognize.
18. i’m not a pretty girl. i’ll never paint my nails on a regular basis. i can’t get my hair to look good most days. i spill things and stain my clothes… but dammit, i’m more than my looks.
19. you carry a baby inside you for 9 months, in your arms for 3 years, and in your heart until the day you die.
20. a few well-cultivated interests, an educated mind, and a well-spoken opinion will carry you further than a pretty face, big boobs, and a short skirt.
21. spelling usually is a pretty good indication of intelligence.
22. girls who aim to be married, barefoot & pregnant by 18 usually have a rude-awakening.
23. you can’t appreciate real love until you’ve had your heartbroken.
24. every stand i’ve taken, every battle i’ve won or lost, and every person who has been in my life has shaped me into who i am today.

Your turn!

thought of the day – 04/13/10 April 13, 2010

“upon dying, nobody looks back and says, “i wish i would have partied more” or “i wish i had spent less time with my children.” a person’s legacy is not in the ~fun~ they had, but in how they enriched the lives of those around them. why not live each day with that in mind?”

let’s face it – we’re all going to die one day.

when fondly reminiscing about dead friends and/or relatives, what stands out the most?

the concerts you went to? the parties at their place? the nights out clubbing?

having dinner, watching a movie and just talking? having a strong shoulder to cry on? the bedtime stories they read to you as a child?

come on, people. stop wasting your lives on fruitless pursuits. enrich the lives of those around you, and thus, your own life. i promise you won’t regret it.

thought of the day – 03/04/2010 March 4, 2010

i’m feeling deep today.

the truly wonderful moments in life are often the ones we take for granted – a baby’s coo, cuddles from a child, waking up next to a loved one. only when we recognize the value of these precious moments can we truly understand what it means to be alive.

hey chicky, please stop going off about how ~amazing~ your life is when your child isn’t around. it makes me sick. i’m starting to question if your child means as much as you say she does – because all i ever hear about is how “awesome” things are when you “finally” get a night out. (aka, every weekend)

i am not a mother because i have known love, rather, i know love because i am a mother.

any woman who says that motherhood doesn’t change your understanding of true, pure, unconditional love is either not a mother, or a very poor one.

thought of the day – 02/23/10 February 23, 2010

“a woman who is truly beautiful, inside and out, does not need to fish for compliments or have people her tell her she is so. nor does she need to tell everyone who will listen how beautiful she is. a truly beautiful woman knows her own worth and expresses it through quiet confidence, self-assurance and integrity.”

honestly, ladies, let’s stop with the “omg, i’m so ugly/fat” to get your girlfriends to tell you you’re not. conversely, “i’m so hot!” is annoying and comes off as conceited or fake confidence.

the secret is to love yourself – all of you. embrace yourself as you are. work on things you don’t like. be proud of who you are every. single. day.

and please, keep it to yourself.

thought of the day – 02/18/10 February 18, 2010

“the world will judge you by how you portray yourself. meaning, if you’re usually seen with a beer in hand, people are going to think you’re a drunk. if you want people to take you seriously and respect you, present yourself accordingly. you have nobody but yourself to blame for your reputation.”

(p.s. don’t blame me for saying less than positive things when you represent yourself poorly.)

25 things i’m thankful for February 13, 2010

in keeping with the trend of positive thought, i’ve sat down and complied a list of 25 things that truly make my life amazing.

1. my daughter. if you didn’t see this being #1, you obviously don’t know me.

2. my boyfriend. also an obvious choice.

3. my bestie (my peanut butter) for complimenting my jelly perfectly.

4. modern medicine, for letting me arrive in adulthood healthy and thriving.

5. betty friedan, germaine greer, simone de beauvoir and naomi wolff for forever changing my view of my role in the world.

6. eve ensler for helping me to love my body.

7.  lightsMB and the amazing people i’ve met there.

8. coffee, tea and redbull – hell, anything with caffeine – for helping me wake up earlier than any human being should ever have to.

9. my parents, for loveing me, nurturing me, and also drawing my attention to what i never want to do with my daughter.

10. the colour pink.

11. mass undergoe, for putting my thoughts and feelings to music, for empowering me, and for being amazing friends.

12. my aunt, for being a pillar of strength in my darkest hour, and holding my hand through seperation, custody and child support hearings.

13. my body, for functioning well, allowing me to create my daughter, and for being my home.

14. my daughter’s biological father, for showing me my own strength, determination and will.

15. my country. while not perfect (and being shoddily run at the moment), it allows women, gays and minorities equal rights under the law; encourages QUALITY preventative medicine under our healthcare  plan; and allows me to express any and all thoughts and feelings at my own discretion.

16. my province. fresh air, mountains, greenery, the ocean – what’s not to be thankful for?

17.  immature trouble makers. thank you for trying to break us up, because you’ve only made us stronger.

18. my past. without it, i wouldn’t have become who i am, and i’m proud of the woman i’ve become.

19.  the ‘pagan’ section of my hometown library, which i discovered at age 8, for helping me find my path.

20. true friends for being there through all the bullshit.

21. south park and family guy, for making me laugh even in my darkest hours.

22.  friendly, funny and insightful customers, for making my days in hell more pleasant.

23. stephen king, for touching my heart, inciting my imagination, and just plain scaring the shit out of me.

24. kevin smith, for always bringing a smile to my face, and for giving me a new perspective on my life.

25. attachment parenting, for helping create the amazing bond i have with my daughter.

what are you thankful for?

how mature January 30, 2010

time to confess: i did something pretty immature a couple weeks ago.

i made a facebook fan page mocking bad moms. (click here if you’re interested)

it started out as generalization, since i know several. i made a friend an admin, and she posted a picture of a girl we know passed out drunk next to her son’s playpen.

this girl found out i made the page, and i’m guessing, assumed it was alllll about her. (ngl, she inspired more than one post on the page, but in no way was it completely about her. if it was, it would have been called “debbie lupkoski is a drunk whore”) anyway, what was her response?

“bitch is just jealous because her boyfriend came crying to me and telling me he’s still in love with me.”

now, if someone called me a bad mom,  i’d just laugh, because there’s nothing i do that isn’t in the best interests of my child. i’m not saying i’m perfect, but jesus, that little girl is #1 for me.

since she got angry, i ‘m assuming it hit a little close to home… but trying to start a rumour about my boyfriend? REALLY?

i take full responsibility for the page, and i’m not happy with how it went from pointing out bad parenting to making it look like it was all about her. however, starting childish rumours only exacerbates the problem. it just boggles my mind that some people never get past the mindset of being 14 years old.

we’re in our 20s… let’s leave the drama behind, shall we?